Tuesday, May 13, 2008


What a great weekend I had...surfing, meeting new people, lots of exercise...so good in fact that it overflowed into Monday!
Although I am pretty relaxed and more or less keeping the faith that everything relating to my job/financial situation will work out, I just received some news that I am processing under the "cause for alarm" tabs in my mind's file cabinet. Add to that a job interview (the 3rd one) at the Hyatt scheduled for an hour from now, and a meeting with a 47 year old Korean man who wants me to help him improve his English...compounded by the fact that I am dressed up, well, dressed up for ME, in a flowery button up shirt with khakis and I shaved his morning so I although I am sitting in an air conditioned coffee shop at the moment, I am still uncomfortable. Might be the caffeine, who knows.
I tend to doubt myself in spite of all indications to the contrary, and the simple knowledge of this does not usually give me any more confidence in my own ability to meet the challenge at hand. In fact, it almost seems as if I grab onto any fact that seems to support my lack of competency and enlarge it in my head, trying to prove to myself that I am unfit for the impending tests. I guess I am talking about ego and higher self here, the ego being the detractor and my higher self "knowing" things but still being swayed by the insistent voice of the ego that decries my best efforts, and has done so since the days of my childhood.

Only on rare occasions has that voice ever metamorphasized into multiple voices, a condition that I used to listen to others describe with skepticism. But having experienced it, I realize that there is nothing anyone can ever experience that I can shake my head at and say, "Not me" without adding the necessary follow-up of "yet". How insistent and incomprehensible must these many voices be inside of someone's head, that they would risk the label of "lunatic" to share this malady with others. It reminds me of the spiritual experience I underwent as a result of an aura clearing and reiki session last year. Although I knew how personal and insane it might sound to others, it was so real that I had to share it regardless of what they thought.

All this runs together and comes out as a singular instruction for relief...just do it. In spite of the fear and doubt, just go do the things that are do-able. So I'm off to another interview, and hopefully it will be a good one.


sonya said...

I do this. I did this. Whenever I had evidence of my own "incompetence" I would seize it and grow it until it overshadowed any evidence to the contrary. It took a lot of dialogues. I'm not sure I'm done with it quite. I was doing it because, as some anonymous author said, it is not failing that I fear most, but being great. Greatness seemed like such responsibility, like failing without trying was easier than failing if I'd tried, like my life and relationships would change such a frightening lot if I did change so much. Now though, in mid-change, its so very worth it.

Just Rio said...

i just want you to know that i read every comment you leave me...and to risk saying the obvious, thank you so much for seeing the similarities in us, so long ago, that i was hardly aware of, and for continuing to share your experience with me!