Thursday, May 29, 2008

jittery

I am a giant vibrator...

What I mean is, my entire body feels as if it is vibrating right now, like a high-octane race fuel is pumping through my veins and I am being held in check at the starting line. Like any moment I will explode into some action or state of raucousness. (Wow, I spelled that word correctly first try.) And it has been going on all day. And maybe yesterday too. I have nervous energy...I am not working, a state of being which I haven't experienced for this much time in over seven years. And then I was using drugs and alcohol to fill up my time. But even then I would get restless after an extended period without work-without a purpose.

Relax and enjoy it, someone advised me today, laughing at my discomfort. I know that I should. I am trying not to struggle with this. Paradise? Oh no, I will find something to complain about, or else my name's not Complainy McPlainPants. Can't enjoy myself on this beautiful tropical island because I'm not working. Geez. But it's not just that. I have bills and debits mounting up, and although I am not in immediate danger, I am somewhere near a fork in the road that says financial stability-to the left. And to the right-what the heck are you doing? At least that's what my map looks like to me right now.

I want to solve major problems. I want to experience freedom from limiting beliefs. I am trying to expand my mind and grasp some greater truth. I feel the need to devote myself to some worthwhile cause. Repeatedly I am seeing families and thinking about my past decisions, which always leads to comparing myself to others-a fruit-less endeavor. I want to teach. To share. What good is this intellect with no one to converse with. Why does everyone go have a drink in the evening? Why can't someone speak up and say, "Gee, I sure would like some good conversation tonight-let's go get some food and talk." It doesn't happen. No response when I offer it. I am sooooo impatient.

p.s. the caffeine probably isn't helping. but that is not it. this feeling has been growing ever since this weekend in Guam. there is so much emotion bubbling just below the surface of me-there is precious little that i can talk about with tears beginning to slide down my cheeks and dampen my "beard" (i use that term loosely!). Talk about job possibilities? Crying. Working with kids? Cry. teach the Faith? tears. Love? cry. Life? cry.

What am I mourning? Is it what I think? Cuz something already told me what it was, and I don't like it. Fear? Definitely. Always. Sometimes I hate %$^& crying. and sensitivity. bunch o' horse....i'm going to chew some tobacco or something manly like that. this blows.

3 comments:

ksawhill said...

Not that you asked for advice, but what about mental/ emotional Reiki healing, or maybe the "jackhammer" to shake some of the energy up? Help it get out. What I'd tell my clients is to get out in nature--on the ground--to discharge some of that energy. But I think you're already doing a lot of nature.
Hang in there. Give it time. Only been 2 months.

greenlizarddesign said...

coincidently (or not?) I have been doing the same thing... crying, mourning, super emotional over bery little things... i wonder if there is a connection...

sonya said...

My teachers tell me, accepting the feeling is the first step. To just sink into feeling the mourning, without needing to change or fix or judge it. ...And that's where I'm stuck. How do I accept that I hurt someone I care about without judgment or wanting to fix it? How do I accept my lack of physical health without acting now to change it? My teachers say, just make a decision to. That's their answer to everything: make a decision to. But somehow for now, its serving me (and you I guess) to not be ok with whatever the underlying thing is. And I suppose its best to just accept that, too.