friends

i am listening to one of my closest friends, via the wonder of the internet and digital recorders, as I sit in a coffee shop in Saipan. He spoke last Friday evening in North Carolina, and I am just now sitting down and listening to it. He's doing a good job so far.
When did he become such a good friend? I don't know. I do know that I was resentful at him. I do know that I broke the unwritten rule between boys with him. I do know that I visited him daily during a period that would not be described as one of my greatest, and he served me alcohol as a requirement of his job.
I know that he watched as all of his friends in our fellowship as they left him alone. I have stood by him as he tried to be strong for his best friend. We have shared many things, and I don't know that either one of us could tell you when I started calling him one of my closest friends. or why.
how do you end up with the friends you have? why do so many people that you were sure at the time were gonna be with you forever fade off into the mists of our past? why can't the people who I want to stay in touch with want to stay in touch with me? why don't they reciprocate the love i feel for them? why can't i see where the present pain my relationships are causing me today will lead me?
and so i have to embody the virtues of love, friendship, fairness, and every thing that i want in my relationships as i deal with others. ideally, i cannot pick and choose WHO i get to practice these virtues with. I cannot only be a good friend to the ones who are kind to me, i must do it ALL THE TIME, with every one.
because love doesn't cause pain. it doesn't hurt others. so how can i be loving while my actions are DIRECTLY in conflict with the well being of my close friends.
the truth is that i have, and am still today, always been doing my best. and there's always room for improvement. and always room for those friends to come back to me. and always, always a place for me to go to another, and say:
I was wrong.
I know i can do better, and I will.
and then i do...because there is no point in aiming for progress. We aim for perfection, knowing that it WILL be as perfect as we could be at that time.
and that is progress.
thank you for being my friend brian.