To Tell The Truth...Or Not

Most of us would agree that telling the truth is a good thing. At least, that's what we would say. Whether or not we were being honest...no just kidding. It seems that even today, amidst a culture that breeds mistrust and manipulation, most people would agree that lying is bad.

I had a conversation with a friend today and he was lamenting something he had told his boss. He is in his 50's, and is working at a relatively new job, after spending quite some time as a teacher in foreign countries. He loved that work, but has recently noticed some old learning handicaps surfacing as he has attempted to learn everything necessary in his new position. Realizing it was causing him some problems, he shared with his boss his history of learning disability as it related to his present situation. She considered it and asked him if she could share that information with others in the company if they asked. He acquiesced, but it immediately set him to worrying about the possible ramifications of what he had done. As he confessed to me, he was afraid he had shot himself in the foot.

I have encountered similar situations in regards to my past criminal record as it relates to, well, just about anything. Applying for jobs, school, and my certification as a massage therapist and bodyworker all were impeded by telling the truth about my history. Being honest on my entry permit into Japan got my pulled out of line and seated in a side office for an extra 25 minutes, as I maligned myself for being so stupid and truthful. But the truth was, although no one in Japan would probably ever have known that I lied on that entry form...what if???? I knew it, and it's what caused me to change my answer as I neared the immigration kiosk. I have had to face a few boards and committees and individuals to explain myself and my record...but I have faced them on the front end, almost always (I'm not perfect ya' know) instead of having to explain a lie after the fact. When I do have to explain lies after the fact, I still have often been given second and even third chances, not always, but often-but think of all the damage and mistrust I have caused. How much easier could it have been? How many referrals and recommendations did I not get because of my dishonesty? There is no comparison to being honest up front and coming clean after a ruse has been discovered.

I remember my father telling me that all a man really has is his reputation in this world-his good name. Whether or not that's all we have-it has taken me a looong time to rebuild that name. I was 15 when I first began to mar it...I am 29 now and I am still not totally out of the woods as far as the government and some other agencies are concerned. But I feel as if I have more than regained the trust of family and friends, even complete strangers who are told of my past, most of the time through continued contact come to trust me. Not all of them. But then again I don't trust everyone I meet either. None of that could have happened if I had peppered my daily business and personal relationships with repeated dishonesties, or even simply omissions. There are families I have worked with who would never have checked...but since they were trusting me in their homes, with their children, I felt it necessary that I trust them with my past wrong-doings, so that they knew all of me. Not that it was always easy, or even that it always worked out the way I wanted it to, but I always left the situation feeling unashamed and knowing that I was hiding nothing.

Unfortunately, there are people who will slander us, use our admissions against us, whether intentionally, out of irrational fear, or simply because they feel as if they are doing the right thing. Through my associations with recovering alcoholics and addicts, I've learned that there is a time to keep some things to ourselves. We definitely needn't rush around proclaiming our wrongs for all to hear, nor make them public knowledge in all situations. Where do we draw the line? Should we hide things about ourselves, if we think that we would be harmed by others finding out?

Although I have no family to support, I would say that the only instance where I recommend this would be if that was the case. And even then, I would hope that I would be able to consult with my wife, and together we could make a decision that upheld our values of integrity, but did not put us and our family into harms way.

As I have read somewhere, we must be ready and willing to admit everything, to go to whatever lengths necessary, to retain our self-respect and sense of integrity. Not that we should cower or confess before our fellow man, but that we should always be honest. And trust that although we may not see it, we cannot do wrong by telling the truth on ourselves, no matter what the consequences. Nothing...absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake.

what post?

so at some point in the past week i felt-for the first time since i started this blog-that i didn't have anything to write about. and i cast about a little bit, found something, and then the weekend came with the soccer tournament and so i wrote about that. but i am online for the third time today, and i have avoided posting a blog because i just wasn't feeling it.

I was telling someone the other day that I expected of myself some great and profound literary work, each time I put something up. But I haven't felt funny or satirical, and although I have had a couple thoughts about posts I haven't been able to make more than a paragraph out of any of them. And somehow I twisted that into being resentful at the people I love who are reading these...as if it was their fault that I had such a high expectation of myself and didn't feel like I could meet it.

So this is my post about NOT posting...because I don't know what the hell to write, and I don't need any comment or assurance just needed to write it. Love you all and thanks for everything.

3-on3 Tournament

I mentioned that I would be playing in a soccer tournament on Sunday...which I did, it was great fun and I'm happy to say that I was on the winning team at the end of the day!

The event was held at P.I.C. (Pacific Islands Club), which is the resort that my friend Carmen worked at when she was in Saipan years ago. She and I stayed here for one night and got to enjoy the water park and we ate the Magellan restaurant, which has an amazing buffet-probably some of the best food on the island. Anyways, registration was at 8:30 to 9 am, and it was a $10 entry fee, which also got you a water park admission for the entire day (a $30 value). There were 54 players, split up by skill level into 18 pretty well-balanced teams. Just from what I saw, the organizers, who also played, did a very good job of making it a fair, anyone-can-win-it day. Our team was by no means the best, but lots of luck and a few good plays made us the winners.

We started off in the first of four brackets, and we played three games in that bracket, all closely together, two in a row at one point. We played both of the first two matches to a draw, and we won the third to get us into the playoffs. Since we played our entire bracket first, which took a little over an hour, we then had over 3 and a half hours to enjoy the park, goof off and watch the others. When we finally got back on the field in the afternoon, we just had a good match up in the quarterfinals, out of the possible opponents. The games were 6 minutes straight through (no halftime), with a three (i think) minute over-time and after that was a 2 minute sudden death overtime, then a penalty kick shootout if no one scored a golden goal. The fields were smaller even than a basketball court, and during the shootout there s no goalie, in fact there is no goalie at all during any of the game, but the shooter must take the PK from the opposite side of the field...about 50 or 60 feet. Our first playoff game went to a shootout, as well as the final. The semifinal game was won by the crowd arguing an uncalled goal, eventually the other team conceded it, and a last minute goal right before overtime ended. The final went into overtime, then sudden death overtime. Then we all did terrible in the shootout, with only one player from each team making their shot. But keeping it tied like that sent it into a sudden death shootout. And they missed their first shot. Our captain Jessie, (or Jetsada) didn't. It was a little unbelievable, but he and I, along with a Korean high-schooler named Joshua, kept insisting that we should just have fun the entire day, and we did.

So anyways, we won a little money, a soccer ball made for playing on black top (street soccer), and a free pass to the waterpark and restaurant. Then we all got to enjoy the waterpark for as long as we wanted. It also was a wonderful way to get my ego-fix! Haha, seriously, it always feels good to win something, especially in front of lots of people. And it makes the whole integration process a lot easier because everyone got my name from the announcer, and all I had to do was answer the same questions over and over again!

I am sore. Yes, I will use the Arnica-ointment and pills. Yes, I stretched, and I will ice the sore spots too. And I am relaxing. And using reiki. And I will probably go get a massage from someone too. You can't beat $25 for an hour massage! But I will be sure to tip generously!

Feast

I went to my first one in...oh, about 8, 9, maybe 10 years today.

I got a little teary-eyed for a second as the readings were being passed around towards me.

We read from the Advent of Divine Justice, I'm not exactly sure what about, although it referred to "this day" a lot...

It also referred to a needle's eye...just like the Emmet Fox/bible reference i talked about earlier...

I swear by God! So great are the things ordained for the steadfast that were they, so much as the eye of a needle, to be disclosed, all who are in heaven and on earth would be dumbfounded, except such as God, the Lord of all worlds, hath willed to exempt.

That's what I found online, although without the context and on its own it sounds a little incorrect. But either way...i think he (Baha'u'llah) is referring to an actual needle's eye in this quote...yes?

So I'm incredibly touched and gladdened by all the love I get back from everyone regarding...well, re: everything. Thanks for your help and support.

Football Club

No, not that kind of football you stinkin' Americans! The kind where the ball is maneuvered by a players foot. I can't remember if I mentioned it but a few weeks ago Saipan hosted the 2008 Marianas Cup, in which the men's and women's national teams played against their rivals from Guam. The women's teams played on Saturday, and Saipan avenged their 9-0 trouncing from last year by keeping the match a scoreless draw through two overtime periods, despite an amazing offensive effort by Guam. The men's team was also out to avenge a loss from their last match-up, and it was an exciting game, with goals going back and forth. Saipan tied the score 3-3 and regulation play ended that way, but in the final seconds of the second overtime period Guam hit a strike from about 25 yards out, and with almost no time left to reply, Saipan was defeated.

The interesting part of some of these matches were the age of some of the players. The women's player who I was most impressed with turned out to be a 15 year old middle school student! On the women's national team! As soon as I met the coach of the teams, he pointed out the possibility of being a national team player. "Where else could you just move to and become a player on the National Team?" he asked me with a smile. Intriguing, for sure.

So I went out and played in a pick-up game tonight. The bulk of the players were Korean, but there were a few others there, and it was a really good time. I had just bought brand new cleats, so it was a good chance to try them out, break them in and get a few touches on a ball in traffic. There is a 3 on 3 tournament this Sunday, with cash prizes for the winners in three divisions. So it was good to handle the ball a little bit.

About the only other thing I did was ride the bike today, I'd guess I rode about 16 to 20 miles back and forth around the island today, and I still have a half-mile to go to get home, up-hill, in the dark, and the snow, barefoot...Plus the running around during the soccer match, so now I'm good and worn out...

and looking forward to some more football playing soon...

Unload That Camel

Liz gave me a Daily Meditations book by Emmet Fox...on May 13th he explains a saying that I believe most of us misunderstand...

"Jesus said, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God (Mark 10:25)
The simile used by Jesus is a graphic one for his listeners. In those days every important city was surrounded by a wall for defense. There would be a large gate in the wall and this would be closed at sunset and placed under an armed guard. There was usually, however, a low wicket gate known as the needle's eye, set in the big door. When a laden camel arrived after sunset the only way it could get in was to be unloaded of all merchandise, whereupon it would squirm on its knees through the needle's eye.
Unload your camel if you want to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. You do this, of course, not by getting rid of conditions in themselves, but by getting rid of your sense of dependency on them. Very often you will find yourself so glad to be without a lot of that merchandise that you will never put it back."

If you are the least bit open to the spiritual ideas and interpretations of great thinkers, I urge you to get a copy of Emmet Fox's Sermon on the Mount. Likewise, if like me, you harbor prejudices against Christians or the faith itself, this book may help you as it did me. I tried to have a dictionary present while I was reading it.

Clapton

As a follow-up to the other day...I went to the Aqua Resort Club (kinda redundant huh?) and shared my lie with the Front Manager whom I had interviewed with. Once she understood what I was saying she laughed at me and told me not to worry about it. Nothing else I said mattered to her, she just kept going letting me know that it was ok and that someone would call me soon, which they did. Unfortunately, I haven't caught the call coming in and my return calls always end up in messages, so I'm not sure what the result is yet...

I read a great book yesterday, and I want to recommend it to any and all of ya'll. It's called Peter and the Starcatchers, and is co-authored by Dave Barry and Ridley Pearce. It is the story of Peter Pan, before he became Peter Pan-basically a prequel...great for kids and grown folk.

I also was reading some more of Eric Clapton's autobiography, which was developing slowly, not nearly as easy to read as Steve Martin's autobiography, which was quite entertaining, when I came to a paragraph that slapped me in the face.

“I left the club with June, who instantly became my one of my best friends. We did not become lovers, however; I really enjoyed her company as a friend and didn’t want to spoil it. I’m pretty sure she wanted to go down that road but at that point I hadn’t figured out that it was possible to fancy a girl and also be friends with her. Sex was still a matter of conquest rather than the result of a loving relationship. The idea simply never occurred to me that you could have an intelligent conversation with a girl and then sleep with her.”

I am not going to go into details about any specific person or relationship. This is not so true in my life recently as it was a part of my belief for years. The conquest of sexual relations was the precise thing that caused dissatisfaction-aka as the grass is greener on the other side-and kept me searching and running. Even writing this I realize that this is a belief that has many layers underneath it, ideas of my value and how deserving I am of happiness, so this is by no means a root or core belief. Some of you may be saying, "Duh!" but as I keep re-learning...there's a big difference between the mind grasping and accepting an idea, and the heart/soul part of me understanding that same thing. So the question I asked myself after reading this a few times:

How do I turn off the urge to conquer?