Unload That Camel

Liz gave me a Daily Meditations book by Emmet Fox...on May 13th he explains a saying that I believe most of us misunderstand...

"Jesus said, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God (Mark 10:25)
The simile used by Jesus is a graphic one for his listeners. In those days every important city was surrounded by a wall for defense. There would be a large gate in the wall and this would be closed at sunset and placed under an armed guard. There was usually, however, a low wicket gate known as the needle's eye, set in the big door. When a laden camel arrived after sunset the only way it could get in was to be unloaded of all merchandise, whereupon it would squirm on its knees through the needle's eye.
Unload your camel if you want to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. You do this, of course, not by getting rid of conditions in themselves, but by getting rid of your sense of dependency on them. Very often you will find yourself so glad to be without a lot of that merchandise that you will never put it back."

If you are the least bit open to the spiritual ideas and interpretations of great thinkers, I urge you to get a copy of Emmet Fox's Sermon on the Mount. Likewise, if like me, you harbor prejudices against Christians or the faith itself, this book may help you as it did me. I tried to have a dictionary present while I was reading it.

Clapton

As a follow-up to the other day...I went to the Aqua Resort Club (kinda redundant huh?) and shared my lie with the Front Manager whom I had interviewed with. Once she understood what I was saying she laughed at me and told me not to worry about it. Nothing else I said mattered to her, she just kept going letting me know that it was ok and that someone would call me soon, which they did. Unfortunately, I haven't caught the call coming in and my return calls always end up in messages, so I'm not sure what the result is yet...

I read a great book yesterday, and I want to recommend it to any and all of ya'll. It's called Peter and the Starcatchers, and is co-authored by Dave Barry and Ridley Pearce. It is the story of Peter Pan, before he became Peter Pan-basically a prequel...great for kids and grown folk.

I also was reading some more of Eric Clapton's autobiography, which was developing slowly, not nearly as easy to read as Steve Martin's autobiography, which was quite entertaining, when I came to a paragraph that slapped me in the face.

“I left the club with June, who instantly became my one of my best friends. We did not become lovers, however; I really enjoyed her company as a friend and didn’t want to spoil it. I’m pretty sure she wanted to go down that road but at that point I hadn’t figured out that it was possible to fancy a girl and also be friends with her. Sex was still a matter of conquest rather than the result of a loving relationship. The idea simply never occurred to me that you could have an intelligent conversation with a girl and then sleep with her.”

I am not going to go into details about any specific person or relationship. This is not so true in my life recently as it was a part of my belief for years. The conquest of sexual relations was the precise thing that caused dissatisfaction-aka as the grass is greener on the other side-and kept me searching and running. Even writing this I realize that this is a belief that has many layers underneath it, ideas of my value and how deserving I am of happiness, so this is by no means a root or core belief. Some of you may be saying, "Duh!" but as I keep re-learning...there's a big difference between the mind grasping and accepting an idea, and the heart/soul part of me understanding that same thing. So the question I asked myself after reading this a few times:

How do I turn off the urge to conquer?

instinctually

I remember my father and I leaving the Target at Independence near Idlewild some years ago, before it was vacated and refurbished as a BJ's Warehouse. We were approached by a man who asked for money, but not without a long story about being from a far away place, Texas I think, and trying to get to another far away place; I think there was some sick family involved somewhere as well. My dad shook his head no and said that he couldn't help him. I was all but ready to fork over my life savings to the guy, or at least to give him the little bit of money I had.
I remember asking my dad why he hadn't given him anything, especially since he was from Texas-which, in case you don't know, is actually not only NOT just another state, but actually an entirely different universe where people are still polite, and yes, everything IS bigger. My dad's reply was that you couldn't believe everything people told you. I persisted in my questioning, because I had seen my father give money to beggars before, and he elaborated on his rationalization. You have to use your own instincts he told me. He also pointed out that sometimes a story can be too elaborate.

I have come up with my fair share of rationalizations as well, when approached by panhandlers. I have also given away my fair share of my hard earned money to people with good stories. I have gone and bought food for those who say they are hungry, given cigarettes (and lighters) when I smoked and had nothing else, done u-turns and gone back to share what I had. I remember in a similar Target parking lot, I had just bought food for my dog, and upon leaving I came across a panhandler with a beautiful rottewiller. I stopped and gave him half the food (Purina Moist & Meaty in the plastic pouches--NOT good food btw) and some dog treats. We talked a little and he assured me that the dog always ate, often better than him. You could tell it too.

I was asked for some money the other night so that someone could drive home, they weren't sure they were gonna make it. We were only across the street from a gas station, so I went over with them and put $5 in their tank, which, with gas at $4.42 a gallon on Saipan, wasn't a whole lot. It was a couple, and that was on Wednesday night. Sunday afternoon, when i got out to the surfing spot at Sugar Dock, the female half of that couple spotted me and walked over as I was standing there eying the surf. She asked me some questions in broken English, they didn't make a whole lot of sense to me, but she eventually got to the point of asking me for help again.

I told her no. I don't know where this instinct came from, because she was asking for money to eat with. And I was getting ready to walk around the corner to get food. I was busy trying to make a long distance phone call as well, and I definitely had the thought that I didn't want to set a precedent for being a banker for this woman every time she saw me. I told her no. Then I went and got food, and when I came back, with Taco Bell, she walked over to me and asked me again. Standing in front of her with food in my hand I told her that I wasn't going to help her at that moment. That I had before. That I might again some day. But not right then. She was a little agitated and tried to convince me, and then she just seemed to become calm and she looked at me and said okay, then walked away.

Yes we do have to use our instincts. Sometimes I do feel as if I have been taken advantage of. If I see the same person over and over again, and my help is not being used or accepted, then I may be enabling...but looking at what i've done before, or might do again-I think I was a little off on that idea. Because as my friend says, right now is all we've got. I don't think I should have given her any money, but I could've offered her food. I could have offered her reiki for the lame arm that she keeps covered and cradled at all times. I could have offered her a few minutes of time and not just instinctively brushed her aside and tried to get away from her as quickly as I could. So what-I've done good deeds before, but that's no consolation to her. I don't know why I didn't even offer to help her. I thank my dad for that valuable lesson, just like I thank her for another one. Somehow, they're both right.

wow

What a great weekend I had...surfing, meeting new people, lots of exercise...so good in fact that it overflowed into Monday!
Although I am pretty relaxed and more or less keeping the faith that everything relating to my job/financial situation will work out, I just received some news that I am processing under the "cause for alarm" tabs in my mind's file cabinet. Add to that a job interview (the 3rd one) at the Hyatt scheduled for an hour from now, and a meeting with a 47 year old Korean man who wants me to help him improve his English...compounded by the fact that I am dressed up, well, dressed up for ME, in a flowery button up shirt with khakis and I shaved his morning so I although I am sitting in an air conditioned coffee shop at the moment, I am still uncomfortable. Might be the caffeine, who knows.
I tend to doubt myself in spite of all indications to the contrary, and the simple knowledge of this does not usually give me any more confidence in my own ability to meet the challenge at hand. In fact, it almost seems as if I grab onto any fact that seems to support my lack of competency and enlarge it in my head, trying to prove to myself that I am unfit for the impending tests. I guess I am talking about ego and higher self here, the ego being the detractor and my higher self "knowing" things but still being swayed by the insistent voice of the ego that decries my best efforts, and has done so since the days of my childhood.

Only on rare occasions has that voice ever metamorphasized into multiple voices, a condition that I used to listen to others describe with skepticism. But having experienced it, I realize that there is nothing anyone can ever experience that I can shake my head at and say, "Not me" without adding the necessary follow-up of "yet". How insistent and incomprehensible must these many voices be inside of someone's head, that they would risk the label of "lunatic" to share this malady with others. It reminds me of the spiritual experience I underwent as a result of an aura clearing and reiki session last year. Although I knew how personal and insane it might sound to others, it was so real that I had to share it regardless of what they thought.

All this runs together and comes out as a singular instruction for relief...just do it. In spite of the fear and doubt, just go do the things that are do-able. So I'm off to another interview, and hopefully it will be a good one.

More of my weekend

So the waves were plentiful today as well. After finishing up children's classes, I once again headed down to the beach, only this time I biked toward an area called Sugar Dock, which seems to be the main surf spot on the island, as far as a beach break goes. There were plenty of people there, and I ended up meeting new folks, recognizing others whom I'd been introduced to, and doing a little more surfing. It was another great day, and hopefully there will be some surfable waves still coming in for the better part of the day tomorrow. Since I'm without a job, I might as well focus on something!

The Taste of the Marianas food festival is every Saturday night in the month of May, and I went out there with Mark's family last night. I ran into many familiar faces, and ate some great food. It wasn't as lonely an experience as the Flame Tree festival, even though I was at a table of about five couples, because I'm starting to get to know people. The island is small enough that as I am introduced to people, and then meet more people, I am already starting to run into the same folks more than once a day. Appearances are deceiving though, when I first got here it seemed as if there was a very large population of white people, because I saw them out and about everywhere. Whites are actually quite a minority, making up less than 2% of the island's population--approximately 1,500 people. Those are pretty rough numbers, plus a lot of people are leaving, but I realized it as I witnessed how segregated a lot of this group of people is.

I met some neat people: A medical doctor who is also a naturopathic doctor, and his wife and daughter. He also is an avid surfer, paddler, kite boarder, snow boarder, and I don't know what else but I'm sure it involves a board. Actually I don't really feel like describing everyone I met.

I lied last week. In a job interview no less. I told a stupid, inconsequential, meaningless lie and now I am going to have to go back to the resort and tell the manager that I lied to her. During our interview I had mentioned that I just came from Japan, and at one point she asked me how long I had lived there...and my answer of "8 months" just came out. Of course I was trying to impress her with my worldliness, and of course the next thing she said was, "where did you live in Tokyo?" since I had described that as my home--I've never really been anywhere else in Japan so it was a no-brainer. Again, we know where this is going, as she responded with, "I am from Tokyo." and I just died. To make it worse, I realized she has my application, and with a minimal amount of thinking, she can look at my employment history and realize that I haven't been anywhere except the US for quite some time.

I really hate when that happens. It has been a little while since I did something that blatantly deceitful. And I have to go tell her. For a million little reasons I have to man up and admit my lie. And for the main one...lying is wrong. I can still remember that lesson learned at the age of four or five, as I wrote a note to my mom and signed it from my dad. It commandingly suggested that she let me watch Airwolf, the television program I had been told was not allowed. It was quite a good bit of penmanship for a pre-schooler, but my mom wasn't convinced. And lying was explained to be destructive to my soul. I got it, although I had to learn for myself the truth of that statement. Lying is destructive to your soul. Whether it is a silly little lie like mine, or a twist of the truth to a police officer to save you from some inconvenience that you brought on yourself, or a fib that gets given to a co-worker to explain some lapse of mind on your part...whether it's the biggest of big ones or the smallest possible...

it hurts you. It usually hurts someone else too. It might even undermine a friends faith in you, as you describe to them how you were able to yet again manipulate your way around the truth. I realize that my own past dishonesty has made me acutely aware of the same in other people. And although everyone can-and will-change, it is something that once I read in another person's character, it is a hard view to let go of. I know this first-hand, since I have to prove my character all the time as a result of my past. And not everyone is willing to give me another chance at it. But that's a whole 'nother story.

If you would lie a tiny lie like that to that person...what would stop you from telling me a tiny lie? I don't want people that tell tiny lies in my life...just like I don't want to be someone telling tiny lies to others. So tomorrow morning I will ask for my HP's assistance, and go set the record straight. Because if I want honest people in my life, I have to BE an honest person.

SURF'S UP!

There is a storm somewhere. Somewhere near Saipan. Actually I have a better idea where it is but it means nothing to most of the people reading this except that you know it is not anywhere near me and there is no cause for alarm. If you want to know exactly where it is-west by southwest from Saipan-check it out on the net. But I haven't written in a day and a lot has happened. Let me start at the beginning.

Fortuitously I ran into a man named Mark on Friday evening when I was sitting watching Nuri's swim practice. I first met Mark on the beach on the day before my flight was scheduled to take me back to Tokyo. He was kite-boarding (again google it if you wanna know-it looks awesome!) and ended up getting blown up onto the beach right next to me. I was reading and lying on the beach and I watched him get untangled from the strings and fold his kite up for awhile before I ventured some questions at him. He ended up being extremely friendly, and asked, as everyone does, why I was on Saipan. I shared with him my story, and finished with the information that I was actually trying to make a decision at that very time about should I stay or should I go. (heh heh) We talked some more and he gave me his number and told me to call him if I stayed. Less than two hours later I made the decision to stay here for the next six months.

And so here I was, three weeks later, and seeing him again. We struck up conversation, and he was once again very easy to talk to, and I got a very gentle, easy-going vibe from him. In a few, quick words I will try to describe him. Married with a 13 year old son. Tall, lanky, surfer, yoga practicer/instructor, special-ed (autism!) teacher/educator, previous participation in a Ruhi study circle here...His son and wife were as kind and welcoming when I met them. He told me about the possibility of surf on Saturday and told me to call him.

So after children's classes Saturday morning I did. I rode the bike down to the track to meet the whole family at Kai's track meet. On the way, I stopped and stared out over the usually calm lagoon. Having never seen anything besides the normal beaches of the U.S., it had taken me a little while to realize what I was looking at here in Saipan. There is coral reef all round the island, but on the west side, the reef forms in an almost continuous line at varying distances from the shore, which creates the beautiful lagoons. It also creates a line where the waves break, and for my entire time here, it had been a very gentle break out there, with a minimal amount of white water showing at any time. Much different from a beach on which the waves break at all different times and locations, I was standing at the beach path looking at one solid line of breaking waves, as far as my eyes could see to the North and South. The swells produced by the storm were crashing into the reef, creating an amazing sight, unlike anything i had seen before. I could not keep m face from breaking out into a grin, and I hopped back onto the bike after a few moments of taking it in to hurry on to my rendezvous with Mark, Patty and Kai.

I met them and we went back to their house for the afternoon, because the waves at the surf spots hadn't materialized yet as forecast. Mark and I talked about a lot of things, family, history, beliefs, while sitting outside in his hammocks. Around 3 o'clock we checked the waves again and he made the call to head out to the island of Managaha, a small uninhabited island about a mile away from the beach on the west side of the island at the edge of the lagoon. Some of you may recall, I attempted to walk to it during my first week on Saipan, unsuccessfully. We packed up three boards, and the four of us hipped in the Rav4-which may be the most popular car on the island; they have two of them-and headed to their boat.

The boat was a very small boat, with just enough room for the four of us and the boards. Since there was no promise of anything staying dry I left the camera in the car, unfortunately, because I would have had some amazing, close to magazine quality pictures. At least the magazines I've been seeing around here! Before we ever made it to the island, Kai (the son) spotted a reef break and we headed towards it. They are even bigger up close, and I had more than one moment of trepidation as we idled nearer and nearer to the break. After everyone agreed on the safety of the situation, Kai was the first one out of the boat with his board, paddling toward the waves. I donned scuba fins and a mask with snorkel, which was fine with me because I had no plans on practicing my surf skills over a reef on waves the size of which I was facing.

I won't bore you by describing too much, but if you have ever seen surf videos or even pictures, you have seen the shot taken as a wave crests and starts to create a pipe for the surfers to attempt to shoot. Although there was no pipe, simply being on the face of a wave watching a surfer take off from that type of position...it was so awesome. Even in trying to describe it, I see why surfers talk as they do...because I can't think of a much better word than awesome to describe it. This wave was crashing onto exposed rocks less than 100 yards from us, there was a reef nearby, and we were at least a mile from land. These people were standing up on water and using it...anyways it was awesome.

We got back in the boat and motored over to the break near to the island. This time I was out of the boat and in the water, paddling towards the break. I don't have that much surfing experience. This was probably the fifth or sixth time I've been on a surf board. I stood up on my first wave, and was immediately reminded of the feeling that I got the last time I did that...indescribable elation, tempered with a feeling of peace and ease. We surfed at that break for about half an hour, as the sun set behind the clouds, before the darkness brought an end to the trip. I paddled back to the boat thoroughly exhausted, sore, and anticipating the waves that were to come when the sun rose the next day.

A Baha'i Prayer

The first time I read this, I was blown away, for a few reasons. Originally because it was in a chapter with the heading 'Instructions', and I know it isn't a universal feeling, but by broad generalization, myself and the people who share some of my past experiences often express the feeling from an early age that we missed out somehow on the instructions to life. I specifically remember thinking that somehow everyone else had gotten the manual, and it was all just a big, cosmic joke on Rio. Religious and spiritual teachers have been passing on instructions as long as man has been thinking, but I myself can only claim to have been thinking for a very short time, and even a shorter time has my thinking been sensible or clear enough to follow said instructions. So I can just say that for some reason, I was ready to heed them and excited to have found some instructions I could follow.

The main reason I was so moved by these words from God (aka Higher Power, or for short HP) is the way this eloquent language not only confirms, but elaborates on the virtues and necessities of happiness and good living that I am coming to recognize as an essential part of my life because of a fellowship and program that shall remain nameless. They are in agreement. One does not negate or argue the other. Sure, as a person I can always try to pick points of dissension, but as a human being with the fundamental truth of a HP inside of me, the instructions laid forth here are in no way contrasting with the instructions that I have learned to give myself to stay sober and serene on a daily basis.

So please, take a moment to calm your mind, because even though it is written like a to do list, it is a prayer revealed by the son of a messenger from God (my beliefs!). These are not my words nor am I in any way responsible for how you feel when you read them. I hope it resonates with some of you like it did with my lovely Liz when I shared it with her. I hope you are filled with joy at reading the word of a Higher Power.

TO LIVE THE LIFE IS: To be of no cause of grief to anyone.

To be kind to all people and to love them with a pure spirit.

Should opposition or injury happen to us, to bear it, to be as kind as ever we can be, and through all, to love the people. Should calamity exist in the greatest degree, to rejoice, for these things are the gifts and favors of God.

To be silent concerning the faults of others, to pray for them; and to help them, through kindness, to correct their faults.

To look always at the good and not at the bad. If a man has ten good qualities and one bad one, look at the ten and forget the one. And if a man has ten bad qualities and one good one, to look at the one and forget the ten.

Never to allow ourselves to speak one unkind word about another, even though that other be our enemy.

To do all our deeds in kindness.

To sever our hearts from ourselves and from the world.

To be humble.

To be servants of each other, and to know that we are less than anyone else.

To be as one soul in many bodies; for the more we love each other, the nearer we shall be to God; but to know that our love, our unity, our obedience must not be by confession, but of reality.

To act with cautiousness and wisdom.

To be truthful.

To be hospitable.

To be reverent.

To be a cause of healing for every sick one, a comforter of every sorrowing one, a pleasant water for every thirsty one, a heavenly table for every hungry one, a star to every horizon, a light for every lamp, a herald to everyone who yearns for the kingdom of God.

---‘Abdu’l-Baha'

(Who is pictured above)