Saturday, August 9, 2014

I want to love me

It doesn't feel like I should still be awake at 430 in the morning
i have so much jabber playing through my mind
how does it get to be so overwhelming like this
unending like the waves upon the beach at garapan

it is totally ok that you feel the way that you do
it is ok that you told me about it
some of the things that you said to me were no doubt true
and yet I choose to not have that type of judgment and energy thrust upon me

I am damaged right now, or maybe always
I will mend and that break will be stronger than the surrounding tissues
I will stand and fold and lay and breathe and move through this
and through that and all that comes up
when I try and open a little it feels as if an unending torrent of emotion will burst forth
tears flowing without cessation until my eyes are dry and reddened
all the tissues gone, the pillow case crusty with snot
and the sound of the creek continuous in my ears

I make it about me as best I can because I know its true
yet with the reading of a sentence it suddenly becomes about you
inconsiderate and uncaring I have somehow made you less
out of the tens of friends and family who follow I get to hear only one negative
a reaction so strong it blasts into me as I try to see your side
because you ask me and I would anyway or at least try

My needs are valid
as are yours
it appears they are not compatible
or I am ready to run
maybe just to walk alone
Either way my heart swells and my throat closes and my back aches so badly at the site of my injury at the back of my heart where breath catches and pain arcs through my shoulders
My arm goes numb and my fingers and thumbs crack and peel and bleed
I have made a life of defining myself by you
Not even knowing what it means to love me

No comments: