Tears at the store after hours

Once again it is after midnight and

the sound of pop songs turned up as loud as the laptop will play them

fills the space that I sit in as I glance out the window and

play silly brain games with trains

I cry for my marriage and the wife that is gone

I cry for my mistakes and the stubborn refusals

I sing along to a song and my voice cracks and wavers

Until another song means I'm crying for you now

So much love and awareness and awakening to my heart

because of the patience and beauty and caring you showed me

My friend

my lover

I want to distract and dodge this pain

Why must it be both at once?

Pop Song Torture

I only know I love her when I let her go -- and I let her go

Whatever it is its just sitting there laughing at me -- and I just want to scream -- What Now -- I just can't figure it out
I spend every hour just going through the motions I can't even get the emotions to come out Dry as a bone but I just want to shout What Now

All of me loves all of you all your curves and all your edges all your perfect imperfections give your all to me I'll give my all to you Your my end and my beginning even when I lose I'm winning -- How many times do I have to tell you even when you're crying you're beautiful too

Say something I'm giving up on you And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you Anywhere I would've followed you Say something I'm giving up on you  -- And I will swallow my pride You're the one that I love and I'm saying goodbye

Kiss me hard before you go Summertime sadness I just wanted you to know Baby you're the best

I've loved and I've lost -- I know you've been hurt by someone else I can tell by the way that you carry yourself

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited But I couldn't stay away I couldn't fight it I'd hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded That for me it isn't over Never mind I'll find someone like you I wish nothing but the best for you two Don't forget me I beg I'll remember you say Sometimes it lasts in love But sometimes it hurts instead

You've been havin real bad dreams You used to lie so close to me There's nothing more than empty sheets between our love -- Just give me a reason just a little bits enough Just a second we're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again

Not really sure how to feel about it something in the way you move Makes me feel I can't live without you It takes me all the way I want you to stay

It's like screaming and no one can hear You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important that without them you feel like nothing No one will ever understand how much it hurts You feel hopeless like nothing can save you And when its over and its gone you almost wish you could have all that bad stuff back so that you could have the good

Goodbye in photographs

I said goodbye to you

Goodbye to each picture

Each moment from the story that we shared

Although we each wrote our own version

Goodbye to you on the beach of Rarotonga at sunset in your blue tee shirt

Goodbye to us standing underneath the lanterns in the square at Chiang Mai

On a beautiful day we climbed One Tree Hill in Auckland

And I remember thinking how beautiful you were as I snapped pictures

In Jordan we journeyed to some city at the top of a mountain to look west towards Jerusalem

(I think it started with a K) and we took pictures on a windy day

You had on your hoodie and I wore the pink sunglasses you got in Thailand

And how blessed I felt as I took a picture of you in Akka from up on the sea wall -- Goodbye

On the boulders at the beach in (Raglan?) you stopped following me as I jumped down lower

And again I found you in your striped hoodie with sunglasses on...

Together we posed at Moeraki Boulders out in the surf and that picture is gone

Like the photo of you singing with Hami and Saia -- I can tell that we are gonna be friends

Kneeling in front of a golden buddha in Chiang Mai

No more will our legs touch like they did

It took forever to burn all of these pictures

And I may have forgotten some because they seemed to never end

And the last picture was us coming out of the restaurant in our wedding clothes

Holding hands and looking young and joyful

Married but an hour or two

Goodbye to that as well

I want to love me

It doesn't feel like I should still be awake at 430 in the morning
i have so much jabber playing through my mind
how does it get to be so overwhelming like this
unending like the waves upon the beach at garapan

it is totally ok that you feel the way that you do
it is ok that you told me about it
some of the things that you said to me were no doubt true
and yet I choose to not have that type of judgment and energy thrust upon me

I am damaged right now, or maybe always
I will mend and that break will be stronger than the surrounding tissues
I will stand and fold and lay and breathe and move through this
and through that and all that comes up
when I try and open a little it feels as if an unending torrent of emotion will burst forth
tears flowing without cessation until my eyes are dry and reddened
all the tissues gone, the pillow case crusty with snot
and the sound of the creek continuous in my ears

I make it about me as best I can because I know its true
yet with the reading of a sentence it suddenly becomes about you
inconsiderate and uncaring I have somehow made you less
out of the tens of friends and family who follow I get to hear only one negative
a reaction so strong it blasts into me as I try to see your side
because you ask me and I would anyway or at least try

My needs are valid
as are yours
it appears they are not compatible
or I am ready to run
maybe just to walk alone
Either way my heart swells and my throat closes and my back aches so badly at the site of my injury at the back of my heart where breath catches and pain arcs through my shoulders
My arm goes numb and my fingers and thumbs crack and peel and bleed
I have made a life of defining myself by you
Not even knowing what it means to love me