don’t go to bed...

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Current mood: ashamed
Category: Life

with unresolved anger
and relationship frustrations
and listen to the little voice
that says
"this is NOT a good idea"
because it will save a lot
of unnecessary heart ache
down the road

ummm

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

laughing geckos
speak in the silence of the night
calling from room to room in this darkened house

air moves slowly
with just a hint of a breeze
that does little to cool the overheated skin
which has begun to peel from it's first sunburn
of this year

ants march in file
all around the house
as they scale all obstacles
in search of their prey

the night is calm
for the moment
the dogs are quiet
and all the cats are resting

but my mind cannot rest.
its unending questioning
accomplishes naught except for sleeplessness
but no answer presents itself
no solution appears

what is my problem?
maybe i should ask that first
so that i recognize the response when it is uttered

there is a plane leaving this island
thursdaay afternoon
the question--simply put--
is will i be on it?

Uncertainty

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

yes i want some validation.
someone to tell me that i am making the right choice.
expectations surround me stealthily,
infiltrating my camp like a bunch of damn ninja.
can i stay here and make a difference?
of course. the question is more like
where can't i make difference.
how do i help-
how do i teach-
making a difference is all i ever wanted.
but my dream is so much bigger than one person at a time,
one person CAN make a difference
i know that;
and yet, i am so unsure and
uncertain
that my next step might send me plummeting
to an early end.
how did i get to this point again?
asking-what do i want to do with my life
for the seventeenth million time
how can some people know?
do you know?
what you want to do with your life.
are you certain?

A Mixed-Breed Apple

Monday, April 14, 2008

a poem by Rumi
Current mood: enthralled

A little mixed-breed apple,
half red, half yellow,
tells this story.

A lover and beloved get seperated.
Their being apart was one thing,
but they have opposite responses.

The lover feels pain and grows pale.
The beloved flushes and feels proud.

I am a thorn next to my master's rose.
We seem to be two, but we are not.

i do

Monday, October 29, 2007

all of my being is made up of my life
my experiences
things learned through my own actions
and more recently, things learned from others
and my experience gives me a small bit of insight
a little understanding
into the thoughts and actions of you
but only if I have been through the same struggle
of course
although our individual experiences can differ
our lives ARE the same struggle
as we search for meaning
for happiness
and especially for love
sometimes I think that I know exactly where you are
but I am NOT you
and I cannot read minds
and my main responsibility
first and foremost

is to take care of myself
so that I can be of use to you
and others

because there was a time when I was useless
and I don't ever want to go back to that

Hamstring Blog

Monday, October 29, 2007

hamstring

I had forgotten what it feels like when your insides explode with an unbelievable pain
with a sharp, wrenching of muscle and sinew that blots out all your senses
so that nothing matters except that feeling, at that moment
i was reminded of this yesterday, when
despite my best attempts to remain limber
I stepped onto the pitch
and felt my entire thigh seize up when I took my first running step
and I faltered, but I knew that I could shake it off
and I tried to move quickly again
and I was shocked by my bodies refusal to do so
and I grimaced, and reached back and put my hand on my hamstring
and asked "why"
to no one in particular
but the third time that I tried to force my legs into a run made it clear
that no matter how much I wanted it
it was not going to happen my way at that moment

and how often is that the story of my life
no matter HOW bad I try to force things to go along with my wishes
there are times when that is
just
not
possible
it was a brutal reminder of an unbelievable pain that I have felt before
it's good to never forget my pains

lest i forget their lessons

Comment from a friend:
also, it means you're getting older and starting to fall apart ;)

Not new, but...

I am closing an old account, and wanted to preserve the writing I did there.

So I am posting it here...

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

you’re not given to much introspection...are you?

i haven't gotten an answer from you
lately
emotions well up at the base of my throat
totally
blocking my breath and stopping my words
completely
letting go and giving up and surrendering
unconditionally
although the fight has gone on so long i can't remember when i wasn't fighting these feelings and this hurt that i have created for myself out of imagined shadows of words and gestures
from the past
from someone else's mind
unbelievably
you told me yourself
it's over