Uncertainty

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

yes i want some validation.
someone to tell me that i am making the right choice.
expectations surround me stealthily,
infiltrating my camp like a bunch of damn ninja.
can i stay here and make a difference?
of course. the question is more like
where can't i make difference.
how do i help-
how do i teach-
making a difference is all i ever wanted.
but my dream is so much bigger than one person at a time,
one person CAN make a difference
i know that;
and yet, i am so unsure and
uncertain
that my next step might send me plummeting
to an early end.
how did i get to this point again?
asking-what do i want to do with my life
for the seventeenth million time
how can some people know?
do you know?
what you want to do with your life.
are you certain?

A Mixed-Breed Apple

Monday, April 14, 2008

a poem by Rumi
Current mood: enthralled

A little mixed-breed apple,
half red, half yellow,
tells this story.

A lover and beloved get seperated.
Their being apart was one thing,
but they have opposite responses.

The lover feels pain and grows pale.
The beloved flushes and feels proud.

I am a thorn next to my master's rose.
We seem to be two, but we are not.

i do

Monday, October 29, 2007

all of my being is made up of my life
my experiences
things learned through my own actions
and more recently, things learned from others
and my experience gives me a small bit of insight
a little understanding
into the thoughts and actions of you
but only if I have been through the same struggle
of course
although our individual experiences can differ
our lives ARE the same struggle
as we search for meaning
for happiness
and especially for love
sometimes I think that I know exactly where you are
but I am NOT you
and I cannot read minds
and my main responsibility
first and foremost

is to take care of myself
so that I can be of use to you
and others

because there was a time when I was useless
and I don't ever want to go back to that

Hamstring Blog

Monday, October 29, 2007

hamstring

I had forgotten what it feels like when your insides explode with an unbelievable pain
with a sharp, wrenching of muscle and sinew that blots out all your senses
so that nothing matters except that feeling, at that moment
i was reminded of this yesterday, when
despite my best attempts to remain limber
I stepped onto the pitch
and felt my entire thigh seize up when I took my first running step
and I faltered, but I knew that I could shake it off
and I tried to move quickly again
and I was shocked by my bodies refusal to do so
and I grimaced, and reached back and put my hand on my hamstring
and asked "why"
to no one in particular
but the third time that I tried to force my legs into a run made it clear
that no matter how much I wanted it
it was not going to happen my way at that moment

and how often is that the story of my life
no matter HOW bad I try to force things to go along with my wishes
there are times when that is
just
not
possible
it was a brutal reminder of an unbelievable pain that I have felt before
it's good to never forget my pains

lest i forget their lessons

Comment from a friend:
also, it means you're getting older and starting to fall apart ;)

Not new, but...

I am closing an old account, and wanted to preserve the writing I did there.

So I am posting it here...

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

you’re not given to much introspection...are you?

i haven't gotten an answer from you
lately
emotions well up at the base of my throat
totally
blocking my breath and stopping my words
completely
letting go and giving up and surrendering
unconditionally
although the fight has gone on so long i can't remember when i wasn't fighting these feelings and this hurt that i have created for myself out of imagined shadows of words and gestures
from the past
from someone else's mind
unbelievably
you told me yourself
it's over

New

My grandmother has Alzheimer's,
and although we have been staying with her to try and help
that isn't what she wants

My wife's aunt has cancer
and it is killing her
but she is such a strong woman
and has fought it so hard

my brother is moving somewhere
he and his wife will be much closer to us

my friend is returning from overseas
and she can have her baby blankets back
plus i really want to see her
and hug her
and hear her crazy stories
about life in Germany

it is christmas time
so for those of you who celebrate it
do more giving
and for those of you who don't celebrate it
do more giving

when you see

often there is nothing to say
to address the past
to acknowledge the events
and accept responsibility
without aggravating and inflaming

polite chit chat seems
to be a human way of handling these situations
asking questions about others
indirectly seeking some neutral topics
that allow a dialogue to begin
and peace to be offered

maybe it isn't so complex
and the polite appearance is an instinct
born of preservation and protection
because who wants to be vulnerable
neither do I

all of our lives are characterised by
crisis and victory-
the ups and downs-we call them
admitting that I was present and a creator
of both the good and the bad
in my life
and the lives that I touched
is a beginning

and maybe when I say it
the dialogue will continue