good days

My first tutoring client is finished up...his parents decided that we were going to take away too much playtime doing it during the week, and she did assure me that it wasn't because of anything i did, but she wants to wait until the summer to start with him. She promised to give me a call once he got out of school in a month.

One of the neighbors got a little boonie puppy. Very cute. Very big responsibility. Crying outside my door at 3 am. The landlord just got rif of all the roosters...now I got a crying puppy.

The other neighbors are moving soon, and so he has been offering me a look at his possessions pre-garage sale. Which is cool I need some basic stuff like pots, pans, sillverware, etc...

Ants have invaded my bread. Tossed it out. They already got my berry surprise cereal. Hopefully the Cheerios are still ok since I hadn't opened them yet...but that's no guarantee.

I had an interview the other day at another resort. It was for a massage position. I am currently the only applicant, they are waiting a few more days and hoping they'll get at least one more. If I get the job, I'll be the only non-Filipino, non-woman working as a masseuse. Minimum wage (4.05 as of May 28th) but benefits and free meals when on the clock. 36 hours a week guaranteed, possibly more depending, plus I guess we get tips. The work load is distributed over 6 days though, 6 hours per day. Only thing is, that 6 hours can be spread out anyway over the day from the hours of 10 am till midnight. So I could have to go in at noon for two hours, then come back at 8 for the last 4. Hmmmm....

Anyways I felt really great and fulfilled after working with Nathaniel. It is that wonderful feeling of doing something for someone else, plus "going to work" always can make me feel useful.

Okay I'm out of time at the internet cafe. Love the person next to you.

P.S. The LSA of Charlotte just contacted me via e-mail to let me know that the NSA restored my administrative rights!

English Tutor

A lot has happened since the middle of the day yesterday when I wrote my last blog. I met with a mother of two, who works at an eye clinic where the first baha'i/contact I met on Saipan practices, and we talked about me tutoring her son, Nathaniel. She had actually dismissed me as a possibility and even told me that she was going to use someone else, before I mentioned that I knew Dr. Khorram. Her son also attends Brilliant Star school, a Montessori school I believe, founded by Dr. Khorram and his wife (again more hearsay). So the little bit of validation of my character went a long ways toward making her comfortable with considering me for a tutor. That, plus I re-thought my original rate quote of $20 and hour, and dropped it to $10, taking a cue from my mother, I realized that in this initial start-up phase I will be learning as I go and my rates should reflect that curve.

Meanwhile, right before meeting her I received a phone call from my friend Brian (see blog/picture below for more on him), telling me that Liz was in the hospital. That she had passed out and stopped breathing and her heart had stopped. They revived her and she was extremley sick, but in the hospital currently. Then my pre-paid minutes ran out on my phone. And it died. By the time I got a new card and Brian's phone number it had been an hour...of wondering and worrying. I had already done the mental inventory of the necessary steps to catch a plane back to Charlotte, even though that would be a twenty hour trip, and I can't imagine being able to sleep while being that worried. Helpless.

Once I got Brian to answer my call, he told me that she was being released from the hospital. She was alive. It was after midnight Charlotte time, so I never spoke to Liz, but I did talk with Brian for a good while. He filled me in on the various happenings and it was very enjoyable. We ended our conversation and I found the home of Nathaniel for my first meeting with him. I had stopped by the library and picked up a couple easy reader books. I arrived at the house prior to his mother returning home from work, but the housekeeper let me in and introduced me to Nathaniel and his sister Abbey. I sat and talked with them for about five minutes just trying to get an idea of what he liked. At first he was so shy and soft-spoken that I could hardly understand a word he said. He tended to look away as he was talking, something I know I do often. But he spoke English reasonably well, for a seven year old, and his sister, who at eleven, was apparently the one really worried about him, was obviously very intelligent as well. So he and I took a seat at the table and I pulled out The Ugly Duckling and asked him to read it to me.

He just needs someone to read with him on a consistent basis. He has trouble pronouncing "r" and "l", almost like Chinese people do, only he is Filipino. His "r" sounds like mine did when I was near his age. As he read, he continuously guessed what the next word was based upon the context of the sentence, the letters he saw first, and the pictures. One sentence read something like: "...all his brothers and sisters." but when Nathaniel read it he said: "...all his [pause] siblings!" That was the most profound expression of his intelligence, but he repeatedly pulled words out of a seemingly large vocabulary, even though they weren't usually relevant to the story. I was impressed and surprised by his smarts.

His mother talked with me a little bit about what was fair to me and affordable to her. I'm going to see him on Monday, Wednesday & Friday at 5 pm for approximately an hour each time. It should be a whole lot of fun. And maybe more students will present themselves to me as time goes on.

I spoke with Liz finally late night for me, early morning for her. If you know her, and feel like it, call her and wish her well, I know some of you already have. Don't call her and ask her questions that make her tell the story again...she doesn't need that. If any of you have ever come close to death, or had an experience that was near-death, you may have an idea of they after effects and change in your thinking that follow such an event. It can be quite an upheaval. Thank you to all my friends who continue to love each other and support each other. If we don't have that real love and charity, what do we really have to give?

The Beach

The interesting part of these blogs is the time delay. Even though I have informed Google that I am in the Northern Marian Islands, and that my time zone is GMT +10, they still post these as Western US Time. Case in point, it is is noon on Monday, May 5th here. My post time says that it is 7 pm on May 4th. So I am technically a day behind on my posting, but if i change it then the program schedules it ahead rather than posting it with the correct time. Interesting. I guess I've had to face bigger problems than outwitting a server's time clock.

Sunday was HOT! I went to children's classes at Jamal & Regula's, but the only older child was Nuri, their son, and so he and I sort of deviated from the lesson. As in, we didn't do any of it. I'm sure he probably will think back to that day, and tag it as the beginning of his moral decline. Fortunately, after classes, he went with his mother to do a home visit to Isabel and Joe, a nice Filipino couple who were at the Ridvan celebration and are very receptive to talk of the Faith. I offered Joe some reiki, because he had a growth removed from his nostrils right around the time I got here, and it still is bleeding and hasn't healed yet. I told him to just ask me and I would be glad to do it. His response was positive, in that he understood what I was describing as a type of "spiritual healing", and "what's the harm in that?" was his thought on it. But he never actually asked me to do it for him, and so when Regula was leaving to go over to their hosue, I declined to come, telling her that I was going to do other things. She really wanted me to come, and tried to explain to me that it isn't culturally acceptable to ask for things like that here. We went back and forth a little, and I stuck to my point that it was offered, and that was as far as I was willing to go with it right now. Maybe I'll change my mind as time passes. I did find out that there is another Reiki Master on the island, and she is having a level one class very soon. She is charging the students $60 and I think it is a six hour class. Interesting...

But after the morning classes, it was getting close to mid-day, and the bike ride back to my apartment was uphill. Wow! I made it, but not without getting off the bike and walking at one point. The sweat made it hard to keep my hands on the handlebars at times, and the driving on this island doesn't always make for the most encouraging bike riding experience. So once I got back to the apartment, I was ready to take a break. I had received two calls regarding English tutoring fliers that I posted two weeks ago, and I tried to call both numbers, but nobody answered at either. So I decided to take a hike down to the bay.

The night before, a new acquaintance had divulged the location of a secret beach, not far from my apartment. I wasn't sure of the terrain, so I decided against allowing Thunder to come along; taking just a towel and wearing board shorts and flip-flops I set off. It was a short walk to the landmark, a side road climbing into the jungle on my left, and I began to scan the right side of the gravel road for the surveyors flagging. I immediately spotted it, twenty feet up a sheer embankment and across a five foot wide ditch. Maybe it's just my old age, but i decided that there must be an easier way, and kept heading down the road. Eventually the embankment flattened out and I was able to get on the trail that had been described. It was pretty recently cut in some places, with relatively bright pink flagging tied at regular intervals as it wound it's way deeper in to the jungle. The trail wound back and forth and as I clambered over volcanic rocks (read: sharp!) I was glad I'd left Thunder to lay in his shade. I was skirting the base of a sheer cliff, and making turns that would defy the straight lines and angles that surveyors require for long sightings, so I'm not really sure what the trail was for originally, or who marked it. I finally reached an old dirt road, after pushing a peck of wild chickens for a hundred feet or so, I reached some very large rocks. But the breeze couldn't disguise the proximity of the sea, and so I hopped down into the ravine, and in a minute I was standing at the end of the canyon, at the head of a small, coral covered beach.

From cliff to cliff, the beach was about 100 feet wide at the ocean, with foliage and trees covering the tops of the adjacent abutments. It was indeed isolated, and I waded out into the water for a ways, I could see the better known beach far to my left, across the bay. I waded around for a while, but it didn't take me long to cut my foot on something, glass, coral, rock, and so I washed it out an returned to the beach, to lay in the sun. There's something about being on isolated beaches that lends itself to my general attitude of as few clothes as possible, and so pretty soon I was short-less and lying prostrate on the sand. Of course I was aware that this could be disastrous, but only if I stayed out too long, and that was not going to...

You know how you open your eyes, like when you used to be in school, and think, was I asleep?
Well yeah, that's what happened. So I turned over. See, told you I had a plan. Soon something suggested that I reclaim my trunks and head on in. So after a little more splashing around in the sea water, I gathered all my belongings and headed back into the jungle. It took about ten minutes to make my way along the trail back to the main gravel road, and then another five up to the apartment. It will probably be a shoe or boot clad trek next time, the uneven ground makes for an easy sprain or even scrapes on the ankle from the rocks. Thunder was glad to see me, and I spent a minute rubbing his belly, but I could feel the heat starting to radiate off of my body. Mainly the back of my knees and lower legs, and my shoulders. Fortunately, I am used to the cold water showers, and most of the time they feel very good. Of course i used the Melaleuca gel, btw I'm almost out if someone wants to send more, and today it's all good. Now I'm going to meet someone about English tutoring for her son. See if I can win her over, even though I have no education background.

Twelfth Day of Ridvan

Today there was a celebration of the Twelfth Day of Ridvan, a Baha’i holy day which falls on May 2^nd. The festival of Ridvan marks the time when Baha’u’llah, the prophet and founder of the Baha’i Faith, proclaimed to all the assembled followers of his fore-runner The Bab that he was the promised one who had been foretold, not only by The Bab, but by other messengers of God as well, like Christ and Muhammad. I’m sharing all this because although I am 100% sure that I knew that already, I feel like I am re-learning a lot of things when I present them to the children I am being blessed to interact with as I help teach children’s classes. It reaffirms my belief that I learn more about a subject as I teach it to others, as opposed to being “schooled” on it myself. I have found this true in other activities, like Reiki. And the steps. The repetition of the knowledge contained within these types of processes releases almost like a timed capsule, letting more and more out as I continue using it.

It was a small group of people, with the children outnumbering the adults. Three families in attendance were Baha’is, out of the five that I have met. The other adults were parents of children in the classes or friends. We also picked up a group of children from the village who come to children’s classes sporadically, as far as I can tell. These kids, as well as a lot of the other ones too, are pretty shy around me. It’s getting a little better with some of them as they see me more than once, and I’m starting to develop relationships with them as I remember their names and talk with them a little. We enjoyed searching for shells and other treasures on the beach. A couple of the children found crab shells. One of the local boys and I searched for skipping stones and spent our time skipping rocks across the relatively calm cove.

Prior to the beach combing, we had a short “play” where the children gave the audience the basic idea of the purpose of Ridvan-which was what the garden was named where Baha’u’llah revealed his purpose, it means paradise-and passed out the tissue paper roses we spent the past few weeks making and sang some songs. And of course, we ate wonderfully. They have a local sweet potato that is purple. Someone made a huge bowl of mashed, purple sweet potatoes…interesting! But a wonderful day!

Since some of you may not now, I rented an apartment this week. It is a spacious two bedroom place with a large living room, kitchen and bathroom. It’s one of three on the second floor of a building, where the bottom floor is actually the home of the owners. Their family owns much of the land around this building, which just happens to be along a wonderful gravel road that has an amazing scenic view as you travel down it. Runners travel from all over the island to use the road for the routes. I drove it partially when Carmen was here, it leads to a beach at Lau Lau Bay, and rightly so since it is named Lau Lau Bay Drive. The map actually shows the bay as Lao Lao, that’s probably right. But I walked a ways down the road on Friday evening when I came home around 5 pm. I had already asked the landlord if I could take their dog with me when I went, and she said that would be great. They have a gangly black dog that looks like a five month old lab puppy. I’m not sure about the age, and it is doubtful that he is fully lab, but he has a sweet demeanor, and does not fit his name yet-Thunder. We set out and although he did a fair amount of going ahead, jumping up on my side and criss-crossing in front and behind of me, I was pretty impressed by his ready acquiescence to my wishes and commands. He walked along side me for the majority of the trip, which turned in to an hour long walk down the road until I found the first definite path to the beach, and then we walked as far along that as we could. I didn’t take him off the chain I was using as a leash, because he spends his time chained up outside, but mainly because I didn’t want to have to explain to my landlord why their Thunder was now a boonie dog when he didn’t obey me. I got the feeling that he is extremely intelligent, with that same eager-to-please quality that I am blessed to see in so many dogs. He just needs a little time to realize that I am one of the people he wants to please, a process that will take some time and lots of walks, especially since I don’t provide the food or water that cements a dog’s loyalty to its master. When we got back, Henry told me that was the first time that Thunder had ever been walked! I have permission to take him whenever I want, and I’m looking forward to getting Thunder to follow me into the ocean soon. There was one very strange thing that I noticed. During our hour long walk, Thunder never peed or pooped once. He’s not fixed, and there was a period where he exhibited the signs of smelling around and circling like he was about to do something, but he never did it. I watched him after I chained him back up, and he did pee eventually. He sometimes pees a little bit from the excitement of seeing a person walk towards him. And although I would do every thing possible to avoid chaining up a dog outside, he has a doghouse, he has owners that care for and nourish him, and now he has me to go for walks with. He sure is a scrawny thing though. I’ll take some pictures of him soon. Pictures of the apartment are already up. I need to get settled in and unpacked (good luck!) so that I can invite some people over and have dinner.

I did something really neat today after the Ridvan celebration, but I think I’ve written enough for now. It’s just past midnight on Saturday, now Sunday morning my time, which by the way is the same as Australia time (GMT+10) which means it is 10:20 am Saturday morning on the east coast. I won’t get to post this until I get up later…thanks for reading.

today

I did my best to be accepting of the decidedly slower pace that everyone takes here on Saipan. As it has been presented to me, "island time" probably moves at about the same breath-taking shuffle on islands all around the world.
"Relax man, you're on island time now!"
Which is fine by me. I was born on an island. People have always thought I looked like I belonged on an island. I prefer the dressed-down appearance found on islands: board shorts and flip-flops, with shirt optional. I always thought that I would end up on an island. Well looky here! I'm on one. And everything is chill and relaxed, it's great! Except for one thing. I need a job. So go get one you say...yes, that's a good idea. Why didn't I think of that? You're a genius! Now, get ready for my excuses. (Just to warn you, I'm about to sound like a recently released drug addict explaining all the reasons why life is not fair and no one will hire them!)
The minimum wage here is currently $3.55 an hour, and that's an improvement, because they just raised it by fifty cents a few months back. It will go up again at the end of May to $4.05 an hour, which, if your math is a little shabby, translates to a whooping $162 per forty-hour work week, before taxes. Which is another subject, taxes ARE less here, but I don't have figures on that yet so I'm not going to rant on that currently. The issue is further complicated by the fact that the economy is doing so badly, that many businesses are shortening their work weeks, working only 32 hours. But let's say I land a job that wants me there for 40 full hours each week, and let's assume they take somewhere around 15% for taxes (???). This means that my minimum wage job will pay me a grand monthly total of approximately $550. Not an extravagant amount, but not a problem you say, since you're on an island and everything must be cheaper to go along with the lazy service that is always running on island time...RIGHT?
Wrong again sir! It's an ISLAND. Which means, get ready for this, it is surrounded by water. On all sides. Not just a little bit o' water either. So the only things that are cheaper on THIS island, are the coconuts, the betel nuts, the nuts and bolts, and boonie dogs. Especially boonie dogs with nuts. So basically, it's cheaper to rent a home. It's cheaper to get insurance (automobile)--i'm not sure exactly why that is, I think the insurance agents may actually be a native form of fungus that grows in caves, so its plentiful--and it's cheaper...no that's about it. Everything else is AS expensive, or MORE expensive, than everywhere I've ever been. What does any of this have to do with a job you ask?
Obviously not a damn thing. But I am trying to paint a picture here. And like Bob Ross, sometimes I work on the little trees in the distance before I get to the bigger trees in the foreground. So have a little patience!
I have been applying at many places around the island. Let me list them. McDonald's. What the hell is right! That should be the end of the list! I'd like to think that McDonald's was pretty much a guaranteed one to fall back on if ever there was a dire need. Apparently, they've tightened up their hiring policy...and since I don't carry a handgun, I can't work there. No I didn't apply at Mickey D's. I've applied at (almost) all of the resorts on the island. I've been to the Port of Saipan and the docks where the commercial tourist boats go out. I've applied at the airport to be one of those people who searches your bag, for no other purpose than to make it impossible to zip up again. I talked with some people at the public school system and also the biggest water park in the Pacific! They said it, not me. Seems like the Pacific IS the biggest water park, but whatever. I've received calls. I've even had interviews. Starting two weeks ago in fact. I've interviewed with one place twice already, and have a third interview coming up...some day. If that one goes well there will be a fourth interview. Around the time I am unable to afford anything but car insurance, I may actually get hired. I am really looking forward to it. These nuts are getting a little repetitive. So the lesson-it was suggested to me by an objective, well kinda objective, person-is that I need to learn this slow it down island time mentality. It has been a long time since I didn't just go and go. I am, admittedly, in constant motion, rarely taking more than a few moments each day to slow it all down. So I'm going to make island time, rio time. And see what happens.

depression

I tell the assembled that I don’t lapse into depression; that I have never dealt with that incomprehensible enemy so many people are wont to claim. The diagnoses abound, and the description is bantered about among all types of speakers, in so many conversations. Really? Have I never felt this sinking touch in my chest before? It defies description; it is so cold and formless, right here to be felt, yet existing beyond a description that my language has words for. A shape-no, I would have to make one up. Colorless, because blackness is not the essence, although black hole might be true, for it seems to swallow my vision as I try to examine it. The sheer weight of it hangs heavy in my thoracic cavity, and I can point to it, but yet I know that it is not really there. It is precisely my inability to describe it that is so unnerving, for the speechlessness makes me feel as if I don’t know myself, even as I know that is not true. It is haunting; a feeling that can be seen vaguely by those near me, that I know is visible to all, yet when the question is put forth, what am I to say? Nothing can be said that makes the tiniest ounce of sense, in fact the descriptions are more likely to leave others looking at me askance, murmuring their apologies as they excuse themselves, casting glances back at me and the aura which surrounds me. How did it get so big that all in the room can see? Where does it come from…stealthily creeping in unseen, entrenching itself like an enemy soldier in a foxhole, preparing for a battle. Yet it doesn’t sit and wait, it grows. It chokes. It darkens and deadens the air all around. The air I breathe. The air I see. The resonance of my words even sounds hollower. Sunlight becomes harder and harder to bear. Night time is no better, because the dark breeds the dark. An oversized knot never leaves my throat, and no amount of swallowing or spitting can free this passageway from its grasp. I choke down…what? Sadness? Despair? Absolute submission and defeat? How do I make it stop? Can I? Then it takes control of my thoughts and points them towards the darkest reaches of my mind. Maybe it is cancer, and I am dying. Or maybe there is something else wrong with me, something more fundamental…maybe I am crazy. Insane. Feeble-minded and weak of resolve.
All this is extreme, but it is as close as I can come to describing the tiny, brief glimpses I have had into the soul-sickness so commonly referred to as depression. Maybe it is clinical, maybe medicine can help it. I don’t know. I do know that I am so glad that these feelings have always been relatively brief, and have never lasted any significant time, for me. They have come to me in different times of my life, at different junctures, sometimes unexpected, often right on time. I felt it tonight, following, of all things, a study of spiritual writings with a new friend here on the island. It shook tears loose from my eyes, it made me want to curl up in a ball, it made me want to call my father and ask for his help and-god damn it-it made me hate myself. More than anything else it always makes me mad at myself! So all I could think of was sitting down and writing this out. I played some music as I wrote, and at the beginning of this paragraph, a song started which always uplifts me. (It’s #8 on the first cd I made you Liz) and it did not fail this time. I can’t believe how quickly it exposed my spiraling thinking as the perpetuating cause of my own depression.
“when its cold outside, there’s no need to worry, cuz I’m so warm inside, you give me peace, when the storm’s outside, cuz we’re in love I know, it’ll be alright, alright yes alright”
It is the song that touched my soul and gave me that moment of clarity so often alluded to-it’s the song that made me realize I had to change my life. I heard it for the first time on May 7^th, 2006.
Regardless, of what did it, it was gone. And I am reminded how amazingly blessed I am to not have to fight this battle on a more regular basis. To all of my friends who face feelings like this, know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Thank you for all you’ve ever shared with me about your lives.
Lastly, I am as I should be. Please don’t worry too much. I am just going through a natural process, (i believe) that involves assimilating myself into a new place with new people. I'll be thinking of you all often. And everything WILL be alright.

friends

i am listening to one of my closest friends, via the wonder of the internet and digital recorders, as I sit in a coffee shop in Saipan. He spoke last Friday evening in North Carolina, and I am just now sitting down and listening to it. He's doing a good job so far.
When did he become such a good friend? I don't know. I do know that I was resentful at him. I do know that I broke the unwritten rule between boys with him. I do know that I visited him daily during a period that would not be described as one of my greatest, and he served me alcohol as a requirement of his job.
I know that he watched as all of his friends in our fellowship as they left him alone. I have stood by him as he tried to be strong for his best friend. We have shared many things, and I don't know that either one of us could tell you when I started calling him one of my closest friends. or why.
how do you end up with the friends you have? why do so many people that you were sure at the time were gonna be with you forever fade off into the mists of our past? why can't the people who I want to stay in touch with want to stay in touch with me? why don't they reciprocate the love i feel for them? why can't i see where the present pain my relationships are causing me today will lead me?
and so i have to embody the virtues of love, friendship, fairness, and every thing that i want in my relationships as i deal with others. ideally, i cannot pick and choose WHO i get to practice these virtues with. I cannot only be a good friend to the ones who are kind to me, i must do it ALL THE TIME, with every one.
because love doesn't cause pain. it doesn't hurt others. so how can i be loving while my actions are DIRECTLY in conflict with the well being of my close friends.
the truth is that i have, and am still today, always been doing my best. and there's always room for improvement. and always room for those friends to come back to me. and always, always a place for me to go to another, and say:
I was wrong.
I know i can do better, and I will.
and then i do...because there is no point in aiming for progress. We aim for perfection, knowing that it WILL be as perfect as we could be at that time.
and that is progress.
thank you for being my friend brian.